Then you probably never will. This is like people who say "I want to be an author" or "I want to be a professional athlete". The following digression will probably not be liked.
Some jobs do not require much in the way of initiative or imagination or ingenuity. For example, bricklayer or accountant or driver. There's nothing wrong with those jobs, and people who do those jobs often have other things in their life where they actually do express their passion and enthusiasm. These jobs do simply require learning a set list of things, or practicing a task repeatedly until it reaches a given standard. It is very reasonable to say "I want to be a driver". It requires professional driving licences that have a clearly defined route through. It is very reasonable to say "I want to be an accountant". It requires professional licences with a clearly defined set of exams and required experience.
It is unreasonable to say "I want to be an author". There is no set of exams. There is no clear route. Being an author is what happens when someone wants to write. The best authors need
to write. Some authors have to get their words down on paper or they will explode (and some of them do anyway). It is unreasonable to say "I want to be a professional athlete". Being a professional athlete is what happens when someone wants, or indeed needs, to run/jump/swim faster/better/longer. The majority of people who say they "want to be an author" do not actually want (or need) to write. They want to be someone who has already done these things. The majority of people who "want to be an athlete" do not actually want (or need) to run/swim/jump. They want to be someone who has already done these things. They want something about
these jobs. Prestige or money or whatever.
It is unreasonable to say "I want to be a gray". There is no exam. There is no career path. There is no professional register. Competent grays did not "want to be a gray". They wanted to open code that they were asked not to. They wanted to poke around other people's networks without permission. They wanted to find vulnerabilities and then the smug satisfaction of telling the owners what they found. They love to watch TCP dumps and dig through old source looking for buffer overflows and hacking together nmap scripts they unleash on an unsuspecting network and crafting SQL injections and spend evenings listening to network traffic they shouldn't be. If you want to do all these things, and you love to do some of them, you'll end up a gray whether you want to or not.