Spanking Your Children
I'm legitimately curious on how you guys feel about spanking your children (if you have none, then would you?).
It seems like a well-disputed topic. I've noticed that white southerners and racial minorities usually spank their children (generally because of their culture), while it's quite the opposite with northern white families.
Generally those who oppose feel like it's abuse, and those who are for it draw a clear line between discipline and abuse.
So, what's your stance?
It seems like a well-disputed topic. I've noticed that white southerners and racial minorities usually spank their children (generally because of their culture), while it's quite the opposite with northern white families.
Generally those who oppose feel like it's abuse, and those who are for it draw a clear line between discipline and abuse.
So, what's your stance?
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Threats of physical violence -- let alone actually following through with physical violence -- is a terrible approach. Especially with kids.
Being a parent is certainly tough, but if you have to resort to hitting your kid in order to discipline them, then you've already failed in my book.
In their early years you can lay down the law by establishing clear boundaries and using a stern voice when they try to push them. Once they realize they can't push you around and they'll get in trouble if they even try to -- then they'll "get it".
Most parents that spank/smack their kids are usually either wishy-washy with them, and/or are not around frequently enough to be consistent.
My brother-in-law is a great dad. He's loving, but he's also super strict with the kids. Sometimes I think he's a little too strict, but any doubts I have are squashed as soon as I see the kids and how well behaved they always are. And it's not out of fear -- they just are that way because they were raised right. And he would never even think of laying a hand on those kids. Not ever.
Being a parent is certainly tough, but if you have to resort to hitting your kid in order to discipline them, then you've already failed in my book.
In their early years you can lay down the law by establishing clear boundaries and using a stern voice when they try to push them. Once they realize they can't push you around and they'll get in trouble if they even try to -- then they'll "get it".
Most parents that spank/smack their kids are usually either wishy-washy with them, and/or are not around frequently enough to be consistent.
My brother-in-law is a great dad. He's loving, but he's also super strict with the kids. Sometimes I think he's a little too strict, but any doubts I have are squashed as soon as I see the kids and how well behaved they always are. And it's not out of fear -- they just are that way because they were raised right. And he would never even think of laying a hand on those kids. Not ever.
I wouldn't do it. Children are very impressionable. How do you know you are not significantly altering the way the child ends up thinking and affecting how they will treat other people when they grow up? Are you teaching them that violence is a good tool to force people to obey you? What other things are you teaching? What kinds of trauma is this causing that will negatively affect the child?
Then there is the possibility you cause them to resent you. It might be stuff like this that culminates in the phase of rebellion that most teens go through. Some teens, in the process of rebelling against their parents, destroy or at least damage their selves or their lives. Also excessive strictness and punishment encourages the children to be secretive and hide their actions from you. Not only is that bad because your children are hiding things from you, and wont go for you to help in crucial situations, but it also could lead to them developing an attitude that it's only a crime if you get caught.
My suggestion would be to build a relationship where your children trust you, and have respect for you.
Then there is the possibility you cause them to resent you. It might be stuff like this that culminates in the phase of rebellion that most teens go through. Some teens, in the process of rebelling against their parents, destroy or at least damage their selves or their lives. Also excessive strictness and punishment encourages the children to be secretive and hide their actions from you. Not only is that bad because your children are hiding things from you, and wont go for you to help in crucial situations, but it also could lead to them developing an attitude that it's only a crime if you get caught.
My suggestion would be to build a relationship where your children trust you, and have respect for you.
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Children below a certain level of development can only understand positive and aversive stimuli. They reason purely on grounds of "Has this behaviour historically resulted in rewards or punishment, and is that trend expected to continue?" (babies don't know that inductive reasoning is flawed, bless their little hearts). Pain shouldn't be necessary most of the time -- usually it is enough to take away a toy or even make a frowny face, especially with babies since they're particularly sensitive to facial expressions -- but when your toddler is sticking forks in plug sockets I think a quick smack across the back of the hand is better than trying to reason with someone who hasn't realised that things exist when he can't see them let alone trying to figure out abstract ethical rules.
Basically, pain should almost never be your first response, but it should be an option in crisis situations. I do agree that threatened or actual physical violence is harmful, no child should be afraid of his parents. I also want to point out that some children persistently fail to internalise any kind of rule regardless of parental or other intervention, and never pass the self-interest stage of moral development.
For the record, my parents both hit me up to the age of about 10, albeit rarely and never hard enough to leave more than a red mark. The aggressive body language was worse than the pain, I remember it more vividly. There's only one instance that I remember pain specifically, and that was because, in trying to escape, I hit my leg on something.
My dad was actually beaten as a child, both by his parents and by teachers, and resolved never to beat his children. In a very literal sense he obviously failed at that but I'd let him off seeing as it was truly for the sake of teaching a lesson when everything else had failed and never exceeded what was necessary for that aim. Also, I was one of those children who failed to internalise rules (that didn't involve not hurting others) and preferred hiding bad behaviour over correcting it. And I was good at it. I was an excellent liar as a child. Somewhere along the way I lost the ability, though. I did a 180 when I was 12 and became highly principled. Recently I've dropped my principles and now my one rule is "don't cause unnecessary harm".
Basically, pain should almost never be your first response, but it should be an option in crisis situations. I do agree that threatened or actual physical violence is harmful, no child should be afraid of his parents. I also want to point out that some children persistently fail to internalise any kind of rule regardless of parental or other intervention, and never pass the self-interest stage of moral development.
For the record, my parents both hit me up to the age of about 10, albeit rarely and never hard enough to leave more than a red mark. The aggressive body language was worse than the pain, I remember it more vividly. There's only one instance that I remember pain specifically, and that was because, in trying to escape, I hit my leg on something.
My dad was actually beaten as a child, both by his parents and by teachers, and resolved never to beat his children. In a very literal sense he obviously failed at that but I'd let him off seeing as it was truly for the sake of teaching a lesson when everything else had failed and never exceeded what was necessary for that aim. Also, I was one of those children who failed to internalise rules (that didn't involve not hurting others) and preferred hiding bad behaviour over correcting it. And I was good at it. I was an excellent liar as a child. Somewhere along the way I lost the ability, though. I did a 180 when I was 12 and became highly principled. Recently I've dropped my principles and now my one rule is "don't cause unnecessary harm".
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| but when your toddler is sticking forks in plug sockets I think a quick smack across the back of the hand is better than trying to reason with someone who hasn't realised that things exist when he can't see them let alone trying to figure out abstract ethical rules. |
I'm not convinced. Forcefully pulling their hand away and yelling at them would be just as effective.
I've never seen a toddler that didn't get upset when their parent yelled at them -- that's enough negative reinforcement to get the point across.
My first and only (for now) is 8 months and she is way too young for slapping or yelling.
For me, slapping is certainly NOT OK for everyday mischief. For a severe wrongdoing, a slap on the butt or on the hands sounds acceptable to me, if accompanied with explanation. That is for the most severe cases - messing with power cables, dangerous chemicals, etc. Of course, if my kid is given the opportunity to mess with those, I probably deserve a slap too (and a serious one too).
My wife says she only got slapped once in her life, when she was taking care of her sister and her sister ended up hurting herself physically. I subscribe to that level of slap usage.
For me, slapping is certainly NOT OK for everyday mischief. For a severe wrongdoing, a slap on the butt or on the hands sounds acceptable to me, if accompanied with explanation. That is for the most severe cases - messing with power cables, dangerous chemicals, etc. Of course, if my kid is given the opportunity to mess with those, I probably deserve a slap too (and a serious one too).
My wife says she only got slapped once in her life, when she was taking care of her sister and her sister ended up hurting herself physically. I subscribe to that level of slap usage.
I have two sons. When they were small, if they disobeyed the rules they knew they would get a slap on the butt.
The youngest just obtained his PHD, and the oldest, who has an under graduate degree is preparing to retire from the police force where he served for well over twenty years.
There are many problems with today's world, and solutions of fifty years ago do not always apply today. But the biggest problem the world faces today is simply that people do not have respect for themselves or for others. Take a good hard look at today's teenagers. Even the girls no longer respect themselves. Look at the politicians... how many do yo trust? Respect, teach respect!
The youngest just obtained his PHD, and the oldest, who has an under graduate degree is preparing to retire from the police force where he served for well over twenty years.
There are many problems with today's world, and solutions of fifty years ago do not always apply today. But the biggest problem the world faces today is simply that people do not have respect for themselves or for others. Take a good hard look at today's teenagers. Even the girls no longer respect themselves. Look at the politicians... how many do yo trust? Respect, teach respect!
http://www.apa.org/monitor/2012/04/spanking.aspx
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/12/131211103958.htm
http://www.human.cornell.edu/pam/outreach/parenting/research/upload/Spanking-Research-Brief.pdf
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201309/research-spanking-it-s-bad-all-kids
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2013/12/131211103958.htm
http://www.human.cornell.edu/pam/outreach/parenting/research/upload/Spanking-Research-Brief.pdf
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/moral-landscapes/201309/research-spanking-it-s-bad-all-kids
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